Once upon a time...

in a land far, far away, there lived a fashionista who toiled away endlessly among a closetful of Versaces, Diors and Louboutins. At first it was a heavenly sight, to be among her/his greatest heros but alas things became much more complicated with the evil stepsisters of the Queen Devil of the Fashion Land (and I may or may not be referring to the Sykes sisters). While her evil stepsisters (VOGUE, ALLURE, GLAMOUR?) went off to play at the New Yorkers For Children and Save Venice galas, poor little fashionista spent his/her evenings ordering Thai takeout from Sala Thai. Sniff, sniff...

Then one day fashionista woke up one dreary summer morning and thought, "Well, I want to show those dirty little stepsisters of mine who's really the fairest of them all!"

Fashionista stripped of his/her J. Crew wardrobe of flat front trousers and cashmere crewnecks and started pilfering from the fashion closet (just as his/her evil stepsisters did on a weekly basis) as if it was his/her own. A borrowed Prada cardigan here, a Narciso shift (or Thom Browne trouser) there, the only thing missing was the Prince to slip a pair of size 9 Manolos (or Prada loafers) on his/her newly Salon A.K.S.-ed pedicured feet.

And there began the tale of one fashionista's blossoming, a.k.a. "coming out party" when fashionistas everywhere began to notice...and then fear...of his/her reflections of our dirty, little industry.

Fashionista found him/herself rising through the ranks, eventually making it to the front rows (really, is fashionista going to be sitting in the fourth row by going to Milan and Paris?) of fashion weeks internationally. Dinners at Da Silvano, Davé, Del Posto...it was a mystery how fashionista could have kept his/her slim figure (WE MUST FIT IN A SAMPLE SIZE!).

And so the story ends...at least for now...as fashionista rides into the sunset on his/her white maned horse into the St. Bart's/Cabo/Parrot Cay New Year's Eve...

With this, a new year's resolution...a kinder more gentler fashionista has emerged so I bid adieu and wish you all a Happy New Year and hopeful continued happy days in Fashionland...

It's that time of the month

And no, I'm not talking about Aunt Flo...
It's that time when the weather outside tells you it's winter, the stores and streets are filled with holiday decorations and shoppers who literally drag their feet but I'm surrounded by summer dresses and stiletto sandals for February, March and April issues while juggling all the resort shows and appointments. Yeah, you could absolutely say with complete conviction that I AM NOT IN THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT! And that's on top of the fact that the Christmas gifts are rolling in...and just like last year, there ain't much to be crazy about. Is it me or is it not worth it being in the fashion industry for the Christmas swag anymore? I used to think quitting before the holidays was a big mistake but now I'm thinking it's not really that fabulous anymore anyway. You know it's bad when you get Veuve from Vuitton. Can I at least get a monogram keychain so I can sell it on ebay? Or at least give it to my sister-in-law?

Did she really say that on live television?

Ok, I'm running really, REALLY late. But I had to write about watching THE EARLY SHOW this morning (yes, at last I've defected from THE TODAY SHOW -- I couldn't take it anymore...Stacey London as the most trusted fashion authority, Dave Zinczenko as a relationship expert and having that former Ladies Home Journal beauty ASSISTANT turned fired blogger, Nadine Haobsh, give pointers on beauty...) I mean when you're the number one television program can't you actually get REAL EXPERTS?

Anyway, so I was walking out the door when I saw Joanna Coles on TV to talk about the shoe booty. Too bad it was spelled that way. It really is the shoe bootie. And she pronounced it like 'shubooty' like it was one word. Oh, puhleeze! Then even better she talked about women who have skinny ankles or ones who "have cankles...they look like tree trunks." WE KNOW HEARST HAS NO MONEY BUT CAN WE PLEASE HIRE SOME MEDIA TRAINING FOR THAT WOMAN BEFORE SHE DIGS MARIE CLAIRE FURTHER INTO THE GROUND? She said "cankles" AND "tree trunks" describing women's legs. Next she'll say WIDE LOAD and FAT ASS when doing a jean segment. And maybe we can look forward to her saying "watermelons" or "mosquito bites" when describing tits on air.

I thought THE TODAY SHOW was bad...but now Stacey and Bobbie Thomas aren't looking so bad next to incompetent editor-in-chiefs.

All I can say is: FUCKING GENIUS

I'm sorry. I have nothing to say except that Charocuchicuchi commented on the last post and sent the link to: www.funnyordie.com/videos/56c2d6a703.

I haven't laughed out loud like this in a long time. And can I add that I have more respect for James Franco than I could have imagined. Pure Fucking Genius.

Gracias, senorita Charocuchicuchi!

Happy weekends to you all...

And we have a winner!

So it's official. According to SHOWBIZ TONIGHT on CNN'S HEADLINE NEWS, Heidi (Montag) is a 19.2 on the Useless Celebrity Index. I'm not sure if that is out of 20 but basically she is officially the most useless celebrity out there. I bet she and Spencer are damn proud. Of course the very fact that I am writing about this is proof positive that even useless "celebrities" somehow take up more time and space in our minds than necessary. UGH. I think I just tasted vomit in my mouth.

Bad, bad, Louis!!!

Bad things come in 3s so I'm just waiting for the third strike against Vuitton. First it was the "suspicious" suitcases left at their 57th Street store causing them to cancel the rest of their accessories press day. And now it's their choice in having Vanessa Beecroft's plagiarized, I mean "I thought my work was original" installation for Vuitton. Don't you think the folks at Vuitton would figure out she's a total poseur and completely unoriginal and pretentious? Wow, let's put a bunch of nude women together in wigs in high heels. I am an artiste! I am zee coolest. I hate that sort of shit. That pretentious, fake "performance art" not to mention that she lifted the idea from an artist named Anthon Beeke. Good for Anthon for standing up for his rights! Hope LV kicked Vanessa to the curb. Maybe her next installation can be various conglomerates kicking her in the ass.

Speaking of bad, bad behaviour...Justin Bobby is just the grossest human being. Well, maybe next to Spencer's sister Stephanie who has the best quote of the evening. In describing Justin Bobby among the company of Lauren, Audrina and Brody she says, "He seems like the nicest one of them." YEAH, IF YOU'RE A COMPLETE DOUCHE BAG! And when Audrina went into the car with JB...she clearly has not had enough good sex in her life. Honey, child...get yourself a friend called the Rabbit and then you'll never miss Justin Bobby ever again.

Too cool for school

Ok, folks. It's getting to be that time...when the party is about to be over...

Just like socialiterank.com, I think I too must start my planning to bid adieu. Isn't it always better when you leave them wanting more? I've always broke up with boyfriends prematurely -- I mean, why wait until it really was on the rocks? I guess you could say I'm just too cool for school. Of course I say this all with a grin on my face, half kidding, half knowing that I am.....well,....the coolest. Who can say they had all of the fashion industry reading, worrying and speculating? It's just damn...special.

But I'm starting to wonder if it's getting old...and tired...a bit like...myself...

Do I hand the torch over? Do I reveal my identity to a few trusting successors? Do I make the blog disappear like socialiterank? Or do I just fade into oblivion...

A few notes before I sign off...(just for the night...don't worry! I'm not going away that fast...and definitely not without too much warning...)

1. Yes, my casting of Project Runway was genius. And I agree that my casting of Chris Kattan as Christian is one of the most brilliant casting choices to ever be made on this planet. I just hope SNL uses my suggestions.

2. The parts of SJP, Heidi, Nina, Tim and MK...any suggestions?

3. I'm way behind on GOSSIP GIRL but...is that girl Blake Lively (who plays Serena) the spitting image of a young Beth Blake? Beth Blake mixed with a little Lida Moore. Right? I am sooo on it! I am TOTALLY casting the fashionista version of GOSSIP GIRL. Beth Blake as Serena, Gretchen Gunlocke as Blair and Meredith Melling as Taylor...we're talking OLD SCHOOL DAHHHRRRLINGS!

4. And lastly for now, please tell this woman to stop wearing this headband look. Is it me or does she just BUG YOU? BUG! Bug. BUG. And she looks like a bug. Blech.

Project Runway: The Movie, Part Two

It's time to cast the movie version of this season's Project Runway. Starring:

Doori Chung as Victorya
Karen Allen as Elisa
Cameron Mathison as Jack
Kelis as Carmen
Chris Kattan as Christian
Michelle Pfeiffer as Simone
Kevin Spacey as Marion
Lance Armstrong as Steven
Joey Fatone as Kevin
Nathan Lane as Chris March
Edmundo Castillo as Ricky
Yigal Azrouel as Rami
Amy Sacco as Sweet P
Juliette Lewis as Jillian Lewis
Cyndi Lauper as Kit Pistol

I'm over the fact that all of them are designers. C'mon! Puhleeze! And the "Bluefly.com accessories wall" and all the other sponsor-plugs just kill me. I'm bored. I think I'm "out."

Chillin' with the Devil

Did YOU get an invite to this year's Seventh on Sale event? Do you remember when it used to be a low-key affair back in the 90s? That was when VOGUE was good and didn't focus every other page on socialites. While I may be bored with the socialite coverage I still gotta admit I enjoy looking through those pages ANY DAY BEFORE having to look at BAZAAR. I mean when are they going to pull the plug? And I'm sorry, they've got to train better television spokespeople! Not to fucking harp on the TODAY show again, but has anyone noticed how incredibly GREEN some of these chicks are who represent their magazines? I mean, except for Avril. Really, what does she do at BAZAAR besides do their TV segments? And is it me or has Stacey London dropped off the face of the planet? Or have I just been really lucky to miss her screeching voice?

The shopping was good. But the heinous people watching was even better.

I gotta watch THE HILLS and PROJECT on Tivo...more to report later. Ciao, folks.

A cinematic masterpiece

Okay, that THE HILLS episode was fucking fierce! I don't even know where to begin! The fashion show (!)...the cameo appearances of various known real-life fashionistas (!!)...the awkwardness of Spencer and Heidi's birthday dinner date (!!!)...the Chanel handbag (!!!!)...Lisa Love's sexy, wavy 'do (!!!!!)...Justin Bobby's "she's pretty good" comment over and over again (!!!!!!)...Lauren actually looking like she knows what she's doing being a back of house fashion producer (!!!!!!!). Does she have a new career working at KCD in the future? Oh no, that would require her to suck really badly.

I don't know if I've ever had so much fun watching an episode of THE HILLS! I want to watch it over and over again. It was so...REAL. That Heidi and Spencer are soooo not really a couple. SO FAKE! And Audrina should have hooked up with that dude from the band. Justin Bobby is sooooo gross! Blech! And what up with Whitney high-fiving Amy Astley! How embarrassing!

Black Monday

What to do when you've got not one but two black tie events to attend on a Monday night? Boycott them both! Or go to one for cocktails and attend the other for the ceremony. With both the Glamour Women of the Year awards at Lincoln Center and the ACE awards at Cips on 42nd Street, there will be lots of glitterati all around! We've got Jennifer Garner (what has she done lately that ummmm...garners her an award from Glamour?) in one ring with Heidi Klum in the other corner...I'd rather have Seal as my spouse than Ben Affleck....so...

Glamour: 0
ACE: 1

Then there's the battle of the writers: Shonda Rimes of Grey's Anatomy at Glamour vs Bridget Foley of W at ACE. I am hating the turn of events for Grey's this season and I need to suck up more to the fashion literatti...so again...

Glamour: 0
ACE: 2

And to round out the competition...Iman (model turned businesswoman) at Glamour vs Tory Burch (socialite turned businesswoman) at ACE...Well with reports that Lance Armstrong, her ex, is now dating Ashley Olsen, a gazillion years her junior...well...I'd have to say...

Glamour: 0
ACE: 3

What the fuck happened with Tory and Lance anyway? And what's the real deal with Ashley?

"72 Spring Street and I'm really in a hurry!"

I don't know how many times I have uttered those words myself trying to get down to MJ's offices. Who am I kidding? When I go to Marc Jacobs I wait for the fucking N/R.

But really, did Kate Waters REALLY need Lauren for the casting call of the M by MJ show? She's a fucking intern! I mean, I was scared when Michelle Lee, the casting agent, said that it was LC's responsibility that the girls "need to be 100% styled." May I repeat...SHE'S A FUCKING INTERN!!! The look of LC's face was priceless. A mixture of fear and "I'm wearing a nice dress, heels and carrying a Chanel bag...do I really have to...ummm...do hard work?"

And then Amy Astley's comment: "We're really counting on you," to Whitney as she is about to give her presentation. I think I'd sweat through my strapless Nanette Lepore dress too and faint along the way. I don't know about you, but working as AN ASSISTANT never came with these landmines. And then all the looks of all the Teen Vogue staffers...oh my Lord...LOVED the shnoz shot of JK, it was damn perfection!

Lauren, some words of advice...when you're introduced to MJ, GET OFF YOUR FUCKING ASS AND GET UP TO SHAKE HIS HAND. Did your parents in Laguna Beach not teach you any manners? Oh sorry, I forgot, you're from Laguna Beach...with nouveau riche red-necks/trailer trash as your parents. Clearly as they've allowed you to be filmed for reality TV. I forgot, they want to remodel their kitchen and your salary can help with that.

And, is Brody a douche-bag or is he hot?

Mr. Penguin waddles into town

Do you remember the time when the FGI Night of Stars event was a hodgepodge of middle-brow designers and...dare I say it...C-list celebrities? Now we have fashion darling, Alber waddling into Gotham to accept an illustrious award from...

Wait a second...what the hell is Fashion Group anyway? Does anyone know what they do during the year and who is that lady with the big hair who greets all of us as we walk through the doors at Cips? All I know is I need to get my first bellini in my system stat before I see that awful PR person I hate who I still fucking double-kiss anyway like the hypocrite I am. Ahhh, the joys of being a two-faced fashionista! How else am I going to continue to rise through the ranks of fashion employment?

I'm such a fashion hag I really loathe heading to these events. Do I really need to sit through another green bean/lobster salad with lamb and risotto or grapefruit/arugula salad with either raw or overly cooked filet? Can we just feed the homeless with all this overpriced food that people like "dermatologist" Lisa Airan push around with their fork all night so they can squeeze into their twelfth Lanvin dress purchased this year? Does all this conspicuous consumption make anybody else sick? Arrrrghhhhh!!!!!!!!

On a completely different note...does anyone else think that Rebecca Romijn's character on Ugly Betty "looks" like Kelly Bensimon? I mean, don't you think that Mrs. ex-Gilles "I have a giant cock" Bensimon could conceivably be a transsexual as well? Has anyone looked at the size of her hands? Just kidding.

View from the second row

You know you're really D-list when you're sitting second row at the Ann Taylor show. Do you think no one showed up because of the taxi strike or because at long last we've finally decided to put our foot down and Just Say No to commercial line fashion shows. I'm so over it. Seems like there were a lot of no shows this time around. I mean I remember when I saw Glenda and Cindi at the show a couple seasons ago. Now it's just M "I'm too anorexic to have a brain" MB and that chick from Glamour who looks like Olive Oyl. What the fuck?

The Hills look especially pleasing for next week. I love episodes with AA and cold as ice Lisa Love. But nothing could make me more happy than seeing a sneak peak of that pointy shnoz, prissy pursed lips and face of Jane Keltner in the scenes from next week. Will she have that giant stick up her ass? Will Whitney continue to become the next JK? Will Lauren suddenly become ruthless and shove Whitney down the stairs? And most importantly: will that God-awful Emily-intern-chick appear in the episode to stir up more loathsome behavior?

Who needs enemies when...

I smell catfight! To address "Heather"'s comments: Don't read my blog if you don't think you're getting enough "insider" information. If you purportedly work at Conde Nasty, then why would you need to read insider info on my blog...wouldn't you already have access to it on your own? Unless, that is, you're some sorry soul on the advertising side who thinks last season's Kooba bag is the IT BAG of the year. Go fucking write your own blog and fill it with all your insider information.

WHATEVER.

And Charocuchicuchi, thanks for your comments per usual, backing me up and also making the correlation of how both Teen Vogue/Hills and NYC Teens/Gossip Girl shows are completely related to the fashion world. I mean, Whitney is just Jane Keltner-in-training (the latter who still hasn't developed a personality last I checked...let's hope Whitney doesn't have the same demise). So Charocuchicuchi, I grant you permission to bitch slap "Heather" to the Hearst Tower and back down to 4 Times Square.

Did I ever say I wanted to double or triple my readership? I think 4000+ readers is damn fine. Thank you.

Don't be mad...

I'm trying to catch up on all my HILLS, GOSSIP GIRL and other television programs. I don't even care about the collections and I need to figure out all my recaps. And on top of it all I have been fighting some sort of flu. Life kinda sucks right now and I just want to sleep...

I'll be back...soon...promise.

Caught like a kid in a candy store

All I can say is that Marc was drinking some fabulous Kool-Aid in that drug and alcohol rehabilitation center. The other thing I can say is that seeing everything up close and personal at the Vuitton resee appointment, you gotta wonder who is really going to buy this stuff. The Japanese, perhaps? But one thing's for sure: this is one collection that always begs for a resee. You almost always have to do so because it's nearly impossible to pay attention when there are just as many gloriously embellished handbags going down the runway with the clothes. Your eyes can't be at all places at once!

Looks like the models were sipping the Kool-Aid too with all the blueberry, tangerine and raspberry stained lips. But the winner of the collection? Those Richard Prince-collaborated designs in bags. It's like Murakami meets Sprouse. Again it's MJ being slightly derivative of himself but I must say it works this time around. The jury is still out on the clothes...it was all a little trippy, in a Lewis Carroll-inspired journey to an alternate universe, a la Alice in Wonderland. Maybe it's not Kool-Aid but straight mushrooms or LSD? Either way, we're talking a Candyland game of monumental proportions. I'm just trying to come down from the sugar high.

STAT! I need a HILLS update!!

I might be in the most beautiful city in the world but all I can think about is...

What's going on with Elodie and Heidi?
Is Lauren devastated that Jason seems to have a girlfriend?
Has Whitney developed a personality?
Is Lisa Love still as stoic and cold as the previous season?
Has Audrina figured out her dumbass boyfriend makes her even more cheesier than she already is?
Did Spencer reveal that he has the smallest penis ever and that's why he's overcompensating with his tool-like attitude?

Reveal!! Reveal!!!

WANTED: Versace Hair

Donatella continues her reign over both the overtly sexy and the quiet sexy that she brings to the runway. I loved all the separates, including the cuffed shorts and jersey dresses with a blazer. She makes it look so easy for a woman to get out of bed with that tousled hair and throw on a simple dress and look effortlessly gorgeous and sexy. I wish. And can someone come to my apartment and give me that hair?

Am I crazy but I kinda loved Dolce. It was also slightly revisionist history of Marni and Miuccia but with a little Dries mixed in. Loved the beauty of it all. I'm crazy, right?

The spinning circles at Fendi well, had me spinning. You gotta give Karl credit for revisiting himself. Is it derivative when you're knocking off yourself at a former house? All I can say is that the Baguette is Back...Bigger and Better than Before. Think of it as the UNCUT/UNRATED version. Wait until those hit stores. I think I'll just drag out one of my vintage circa 1997 ones. Oh, how very chic of me.

I smell Paris...

The Worst Hits Collection

Blech. That's all I can say. And that's not from the overcooked meat dish I had at Le Langhe the other night. Miuccia has really done it. She's managed to create a "worst hits collection" of not only Prada, but Miu Miu, Marni, Missoni and Marc Jacobs. It's like she looked at the archive collections of all of the above and extracted all the ugly patterns, color palettes, fabrics and combinations of all three. This was not jolie-laid...it was just plain LAID.

I think I'm just looking forward to seeing how TT puts these looks together next season on herself. Let's just hope she spares us that ridiculous fedora she's been sporting around town. Blech, again.

From blech to brrrrrr and beige...those were the themes at Mr. Pretentious, I mean, Tomas Meier's collection for Bottega. Could it have been any FUCKING COLDER in there? And there was more beige tones than a fucking GAP khaki ad. But I must say that I fell in love with that most delicious short sleeve trench with the elbow leather gloves. YUM-O. That whole collection made me feel like I was going on holiday in the most fabulous European villages even if I was freezing my arse off.

Ok, kids...off to bed to nurse this vino rosso hangover.

I'd Rather...the Fashionista Edition

Before we head into this fun little game, I want to comment on charocuchicuchi's observations regarding Emmy coverage...which are not so ironically the same as mine.

Yes, you have to wonder how many people they asked to do red carpet commentary before settling with Kimora Lee Simmons and Carson Kressley. But then again Joan and Melissa Rivers have also been doing it for years and they are absolutely the worst. Kimora and Carson's taste of what they liked and didn't like were completely off the mark.

And don't even get me fucking started on Bobbie Thomas. Do you not recall my rant from my 1/24/07 post? Go check it out if you've missed it. First of all, Bobbie was wearing Cynthia Rowley. Need I say more? And with that hideous belt that she wore for Kimora's pleasure? Puh-leeze! Bobbie has no taste, no true knowledge of fashion, no idea what she is talking about, no credentials to back up her comments and frankly I still cannot believe that The Today Show continues to employ her as their fashion editor. Can they not figure out she is a laughing stock of the business and no one takes her seriously? Like MJ, AW or Narciso would ever give a shit about her. But then again I did witness first hand shameless kissing ass of Rachel Zoe at the Proenza show a couple seasons ago by Glenda Bailey, Linda Wells and a handful of other high-profile editrixes. I almost barfed. It seemed so pathetic that these women felt compelled to cave in. Of course this is all pre-Rachel Zoe comment in last Sunday's NY Times about how she is more influential than AW. The whole article is here so I must begin my game with...

I'd rather fuck:
Anna Wintour or Rachel Zoe

I'd rather be stuck on a deserted island with:
Stacey London or Bobbie Thomas

And for the Fear Factor version...
I'd rather eat cow balls or work as the market editor for Tracy Taylor for a year

Your choice. Tell me...

America, the Beautiful

So you don't have to be the anorexic, nasty editrix to be the big winner of the night. LOVE that America Ferrara just won the Emmy for Ugly Betty. See, nice girls do finish first. Okay, not in the real fashion world. I don't know how many times we hear about promotions of the most talentless industry professionals. You know who we're talking about. WHO MAKES THESE DECISIONS? I can count on two hands the amount of times my friends and I shake our heads when we hear that someone has sucked at their PR job in one place and is now a Senior Vice President of PR at an even better place. Huh? I want to suck at my job and make $350,000 too.

America, the beautiful, right? Where talented people sometimes go far (America Ferrara winning an Emmy) and talentless people go even farther (too many to list...).

TOP TRENDS AT THE EMMYS RED CARPET:
Wearing red: Ali Larter, Kate Walsh, Heidi Klum, Kathryn Morris, Mary-Louise Parker

Wearing strapless: Debra Messing, Heidi Klum, America Ferrara, Kristen Bell, Jennifer Love-Hewitt, Ellen Pompeo

Wearing hair half-up, half down: Heidi Klum, Kate Walsh, Sandra Oh, Kristen Bell

BEST DRESSED BASED ON DOING ALL THREE AND BASICALLY LOOKING GREAT AT THE SAME TIME:
Heidi Klum

THE MENA SUVARI AWARD FOR WORST DRESS OR HAIRSTYLE FOR AGE/BODY TYPE:
Jennifer Love-Hewitt (that girl has a nice bod and should not wear an a-line long dress -- she can do better than that!)

BEST USE OF ACCESSORIES:
Marcia Cross with those big knockers (and I don't mean those earrings)

WORST USE OF AN OVERPAID HAIRSTYLIST:
Ellen Pompeo (hid-e-ous)

BEST DRESSED/HAIR POST-MARRIAGE:
Kate Walsh and Katherine Heigl

BEST SPEECH:
James Spader, best actor in a drama series, for Boston Legal. You gotta love that Seth from Pretty In Pink has now won 3 Emmys. And his quote: "I feel like I just stole a pile of money from the mob" was funny enough to reflect that Boston Legal doesn't quite have the chops to go against The Sopranos and James Gandolfini...but he did it.

It's not really fashion week until you're a drowned rat

It's like clockwork. It's not enough that you're running around with your head chopped off. And if you're one of the unlucky, unfortunate souls without a permanent car service at your disposal, well, fashion week is pretty much fashion hell. But when it rains? It's just one major fucked up day. And if you were my assistant, well, let's just say I wasn't at my best behavior. WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CAR??? I don't know if it was particularly worse or if I'm just getting less patient through the years.

Speaking of patience, mine was completely shot on Monday night. So yes, I skipped the Marc Jacobs show. Why else would I have been at home blogging about The Hills? You know what? We're all going to see everything at the resee anyway!

Is it me or was this New York season especially mundane? I love that Francisco but c'mon! Give me...something to work with!

But I must give a shout out to Oscar. Season-after-season ODR rarely disappoints. And I loved the new venue! It felt very Alberta Ferretti A/W 2007. Minus those batik-y, tribal pieces I think it was a strong collection. I must get my hands on one of those strapless cocktail numbers! Actually it's a bright strapless dress that is a must-have for next spring. Better get that boob job stat.

"What a bitch!"

No, I'm not referring to $#&@!% over at Harper's Bazaar. I'm talking about Brody's response into his cell phone when Spencer aka Donny tells him "Whatever" and hangs up on him. That was laugh-out-loud hilarious!

The Hills may have started off slowly but it's definitely hitting its stride now. You gotta love that Heidi learning some weasel tricks from that dufus of a fiance she has by edging out Elodie for the director of events position at Bolthouse. DIRECTOR OF EVENTS after being a fucking intern for a year? Brent Bolthouse: You're An Asshole! The scenes from next week look especially good with Elodie telling off Heidi. Yahoo!!

This shit is certainly better than the shows. More about that later...(did I like MJ?...stayed tuned...)

Can you say Ba-len-ci-a-ga?

Looks like Gwen Stefani ain't the only one who looked to Nicolas for their Spring/Summer shows. Let's just say that everything is looking especially derivative this season. AW's fashion darlings, Jack and Lazaro's show could be called Balenciaga Light. The L.A.M.B. show as mentioned on an earlier post, was old Betsey Johnson mixed with vintage Sonia Rykiel, Balenciaga A/W 2007 with some Abercrombie thrown in for good commercial measure.

Speaking of being derivative...that Michael Kors is so damn likeable with that big goofy grin when he does his lap around the runway...BUT it looked like Tory Burch Couture. I say they just kill two birds with one stone and just combine their businesses. C'mon, that one yellow tunic looked like TB two seasons ago!

And lastly, did I go to an Armani show on Saturday night? Oh, no, it was Ralph Lauren. I could have sworn I was airlifted to Milan and transported to the Armani Theatre complete with non-vertically challenged headwear and 90 looks. At least it wasn't pitch black with a spotlight. Thankfully I didn't get the headbob going like I usually do at via Borgonuovo (sorry, Giorgio). I know it's Ralph's 40th Anniversary but it didn't read like a Greatest Hits show...more just like an endless parade of look after look with no end in sight. At least the people-watching was good.

I'm baaaaaaaaack!!!!!!!!

Happy FUCKING Labor Day! Not!

I'm sorry I took so long to get back to all you kiddies...but I must admit I loved the break. While I might not have been on the French Riviera for the whole time, I reveled in the fact I was on permanent August holiday like the way Europeans DO IT RIGHT, MAN!

There's so much to blog about...from The Hills to Fashion Week to Please Don't Feed The Models move out west (Congrats, Model Citzen!) to chronicling everyone's favorite fashion victim/poseur TT's outfits...gosh darn, there is just too much to write.

And I'm fucking exhausted. So I'll leave you with this: better get your ab-roller out because Marni-light, I mean, BCBG Max Azria, did not show one look without a belt.

Best new accessory? Gwen's son, Kingston's giant headphones/ear protectors. So damn cute it was easy to ignore the Betsey channeling Fall/Winter 2007 Balenciaga collegiate chic meets old Sonia Rykiel runway show.

Ciao for now...

I'm going to take a cue from the Europeans and take holiday for the balance of the summer. New posts to come once I'm back from St. Tropez and the like. Freshly tanned I'll be ready to hit the shows since they now start, like, two days after Labor Day. At this rate, we're gonna be watching spring shows in August soon enough.

Speaking of Mean Girls...

It looks like the Queen Bee herself, Lindsay Lohan, has gotten herself arrested yet again for drunk driving and cocaine possesion. And did you check out the mug shot? She looks like Rachel Zoe, her former stylist. It's like they could be separated at birth.

And it looks like the VOGUE Fashion Fund nominees were named. (Oh, excuse me, the CFDA/Vogue Fashion Fund. I forget that it's a "joint" venture with the CFDA...whatever.)

Mean Girls: the sequel

Thanks to "comment poster" charocuchicuchi all readers of VFTFR get extra credit bonus information about what it's really like in magazine land. And her comments about our favorite show, THE HILLS, is spot on. Whitney, aka Tori Spelling (in the made for tv special, alongside Christine Taylor as Lauren, Tiffani Amber Thiessen as Audrina and last but not least, Donny Osmond as Spencer), is just asking to get fucked over and over again by fellow fashion assistants, her bosses, her interns and p.r. people up the wazoo! It really is MEAN GIRLS. And it looks like there's already a class disparity issue between Teen Vogue dot-com-ers and YM dot-com-ers according to Memo Pad in WWD. Oh vey!

And speaking of mean girls...Queen Bitch with no style (I don't mean AW), Joanna Coles, has just seen about half her masthead depart the visually disgusting rag she edits. Can we send Glenda back to MARIE CLAIRE to work some of her old magic as she clearly is out of her league with her own book. Let's resuscitate these Hearst titles! What's going on?

That she would "dismiss" the one person with style and substance (Eric N.) clearly shows everyone how naive, clueless and tasteless she truly is. That she would keep that talentless TT on board along with that sad sack of a style director, that giant redhead who has even worst style than TT (and we really didn't think that was possible...). We say, join the club of OUTTA HERE, Eric, and enjoy the rest of the summer off (along with all of Europe). And get yourself a nice, Jewish lawyer so you can really take that holiday.

VIP assistants

It's been reported that Virginia Smith has a new assistant who is apparently already a Patrick McMullen fixture. I mean, who needs that? Aren't our jobs tough enough to deal with already? And to top it off with an assistant who tells me she can get me into the after party for so-and-so or who will be dining at the head table of designer X with her famous "King of Duty-free" father...

Well, I'd rather...

Actually that brings me to the next post. A game of "I'd rather..."
Anything or anyone that comes to mind?

Another one bites the dust

I might be in an 80s sort of mood but I'm not referring to that Queen song. (ed note: for those of you born post 1980, I'm referring to a band called Queen, not about boys from the Chelsea part of town).

So Jane folded. Was it even still around? I certainly had no idea. Did anyone read it? After the eponymous Jane Pratt left, did anyone really still care? Brandon Holley? Hello? What?

The really sad thing is that there really isn't a magazine for that certain age anymore. Sorry to wax poetic about Mademoiselle again, but it really was to me the great magazine that bridged that moment of being a young woman. I think Jane tried to replicate that too but unfortunately failed in its efforts. Now with both gone, what are 15-25 year olds to read? I guess it's all about instant gratification and blogs, gossip sites and the tabloid weeklies. Fitting for this day when Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan are considered heroines and the response for young girls when asked what they want to do when they grow up is: "be famous."

I asked, you came (finally!) and at last we conquered

It was clearly time to take the gloves off.

And to sharpen your claws as well.

And for those who thought the past posts and comments were "too mean" or "unnecessary," I just say, "Stop being such a pussy and get over it."

I like to think all of this as "post-traumatic calling in" therapy. Let's all admit: We've been there! Calling specific PR agencies and people, knowing (YES, KNOWING!) that no one will be on the other end to answer the phone call! I especially love the small PR companies that have a recording saying "no one is able to take your phone call at the moment." Hire a goddamn receptionist already! Using your college-day Panasonic answering machine is just not going to cut it! But then of course there is that completely useless receptionist at KCD (don't you hate, HATE how she says, "K-C-D" with that lilting, half-Southern drawl, half-lazy-ass "Why are you bothering me while I'm reading my US Weekly" accent).

Instead of a TOP FIVE LIST of ACTUAL PR PEOPLE OR AGENCIES, this will be a TOP FIVE NARROWING CHARACTERISTICS OF BAD PR POTENTIAL...

5. If your name is Kerry. Sorry, Ed (Filapowski), but you have not only one Kerry but TWO...both boy and girl Kerrys are universally thought to suck big time.

4. The Letter "P." Let's just start with the ultimate P Puppetmaster: Pierre Rougier. How that man got to where he is, I'll never understand. He makes me want to eat Freedom Fries all over again. Other Ps worth noting: Priya, Paul Wilmot Communications, Prada PR.

3. If you've worked at PR Consulting and/or KCD. And there are those who are doubly worse when having worked at both! Hmmmmm......

2. Battle of the Blondes. If you're tall and blonde and lanky in appearance, you have a burgeoning career in fashion PR (even if you can't actually spell or pronounce your client's name correctly or can knowledgably discuss anything about the collection). The jury is still out on some of these folks but there is something to be said about blonde ambition. Past and present members include: Lauren Davis, Karen Duffy, Annelise Peterson, Olivia Eslami, Rebeccah Hirsch, Allison Aston, Rachel diCarlo.

1. You're a socialite or want to be one...

Now, now...don't you just feel a little better? I do.

"You have no follow through? Do P.R.!"

When I heard someone in my office say that the other day, I started to laugh. Can we talk about the thousands...okay, maybe more like hundreds of public relations or fashion assistant gals who have serious A.D.D. that they can't process one task to fruition. Sounds like your typical fashion P.R. gal in NYC, don't you think?

To save myself from pointing fingers (I will reveal once you show me yours...), my question is:

WHO DO YOU RANK AS THE TOP FIVE WORST FASHION P.R. PEOPLE AND/OR AGENCIES IN THE CITY?

I have my bets on a few...let's see if we're a match!

Coming Soon to a Multiplex Near You

With the Peter Braunstein case over (minus appeals after appeals) it's time to start casting the made-for-tv movie version of "Nightmare on Seventh Avenue."

Peter Braunstein: Robert Downey, Jr. (though gotta give the understudy role to Dustin Diamond "in a powerful performance unlike anything you've seen in Saved By the Bell." -- Rex Reed)

Victim: Shannon Doherty (just like the actress herself, the real true life victim was a known BIYATCH with more enemies and haters than friends. And although everyone agrees that no one (and I mean, NO ONE!) deserves what happened, almost everyone would agree that the true life victim was one nasty person who belittled everyone, stole repeatedly from every job she held (a luxury Italian company, a fashion glossy magazine and a luxury Italian gold jewelry company) and was seriously like the worst human being most have encountered in the fashion business.)

Ex-Girlfriend: introducing Dina Lohan in her first television role. The mother of Lindsay would be pitch perfect as it's been reported that Dina and the true ex-girlfriend are actually old friends. Plus Dina needs to start working since daughter Lindsay will be in jail, rehab or dead soon with all her ill-parenting. Poor LL. Or else I'd go with Virginia Smith, also in a debut acting performance. She's going to need another job once her husband Patrick Robinson loses yet another job (I believe there have been THREE IN A ROW: eponymous line, Perry Ellis, Paco Rabanne).


Ok, those are my Hollywood casting agent choices. Who would you cast?

Party crashers

Have you ever been to a press event where you've seen the random assistant down the hallway bellying up to the open bar and ducking when they see you come into the room?

I used to have this notoriously horrible assistant who used to go to every event with her friend at another magazine because she was such a glutton for the goodie bag. PR people would call me the next day about her antics and how she would demand a goodie bag the next day if they ran out. You gotta love the entitled 23 year olds. They really broke the mold back in 1997-2000. Anyone who became an assistant after 2000 just doesn't know what it means to really work in the business. They balk at doing xeroxing and think that doing a Starbucks run (for themselves) is part of the morning routine. I just want to know how they afford that daily $5 venti iced skinny latte with a $1800/month rent and $26,000 a year salary.

But then again there was that former editor turned PR exec who used to turn tricks on the side. Now, that's what I call creative financing.

The King of Queens

Being a female fashionista in the world of Chelsea boys, it's not hard to think of oneself as "the King of Queens." At least we're not overweight, unfunny comics who have Scientologist-worshipping, unattractive and untalented actresses like Leah Remini as our wives...

I'm sorry, am I being the "bitch of Staten Island?"

Do I smell "summer vacation?"

Ahhh...and another one bites the dust.

Veteran Elle style editor Isabel Dupre has left 1633 Broadway. It's been reported her last official day was June 4th though the news didn't hit the airstreams until yesterday in the Post.

Is it me or is everyone fleeing right at the height of summer? I don't know about you but I want to spend my summer weekends and weekdays at the beach too. Maybe they know something I don't know? Gosh darn, these people are damn geniuses!

But then again couldn't I "accidentally" reveal myself and then I could get fired and have the summer off as well?

I'll keep my day job

I guess I'm not the best prognosticator.

Maybe Thakoon didn't win just because he did work at Harper's Bazaar under that "traitor Kate Betts" (in quotes not from me..I'm sure that's what the Devil thought) and God forbid AW support that! Isn't she just the most petty fifty-something ever? She might want to get another face lift as she's pushing 60.

Loeffler Randall's designer gushing at the podium while super preggers with twins was enough to bring a tear down all our faces (but not AW's of course. She put all her money in, along with Sally Singer's, on Justin Giunta. Who else do you think paid for that party two weeks ago?).

Now we can officially call the Swarovski New Designer Award the Swarovski New Asian Designer Award. It's been Derek Lam, Doori Chung and now Phillip Lim for the past three years. Will they ever make it to the Designer of the Year Award status? Has Vera ever won the big one? I don't know. You tell me.

Next week's docket? It's fucking resort MONTH, remember? People! Resort, can I repeat, lasts six weeks longer than Fall or Spring shows. I know, I know, it's a longer selling season and blah, blah, blah...but c'mon! Enough is enough.

See you at Vuitton...

The Chosen Few Devil's Advocates Awards

Didn't you know the CFDA's real acronym?
Let me be a prognosticator...(oh for you illiterate fashion types, that means "to predict"): (Oh stop being insulted!)

Designer of the year? Jack and Lazaro. Oscar has won this before as has Marc...of course both are big AW supporters and wardrobe suppliers. But I'm betting on Proenza to take this baby home.

Accessories Designer of the year? Derek Lam. Fashion darling, prior CFDA new designer winner and newly creative director of Tod's (Hello! Advertiser!!!). I just can't see AW allowing Michael to win; but she might play to Marc's recent drug rehabilitation and since she's not giving him the bigger award of the night she might throw this his way.

Men's designer of the year? Does anyone really pay attention to men's wear?

Swarovski Designer of the year? Thakoon. I thought it might be Rodarte for a while but there's so much Vogue connection to this designer. Plus as an ex-Harper's Bazaar editor, it's a way to really "own" him by taking him further under the Vogue wing.

Swarovski Accessories Designer of the year? Justin Giunta for Subversive. Like anyone else has a chance?

You're either in...or you're out

How was your Memorial Day weekend?
Lots of news flying around last week and this...it's the turn of the new season and change seems to be in the air. Can you smell mass exodus?

There's IN (Tinsley got herself a deal with Dior Beauty! Can you deal?) and then
There's OUT (Michael Vollbracht parts way with Bill Blass), and then
There's OUTTA HERE (Sarah Bailey exits Harper's Bazaar for the UK; Alice Kim leaves In Style for Omaha)

What are your major summer plans or exits?

Deal with the Devil

Hat's off to Lauren Weisberger's roommate who was uncredited with coming up with the genius title of The Devil Wears Prada. It's easy now to just refer to AW as "the Devil."

While an earlier post talked about sleeping your way to the top, there are those who just sleep their way to...ninth on the masthead. (Ok, so not exactly sure where this name is on the masthead as I don't have a copy of Vogue in front of me.)

When Patrick Robinson was named creative director/chief designer for the GAP, few raised eyebrows when it's so clear that his sleeping habits are completely Vogue-related. With Virginia Smith, fashion market and accessories director of Vogue, as your wife (and "ninth" on the masthead) there's always the guarantee that Patrick will land on his feet. With failed collections at Perry Ellis, Paco Rabanne and his own eponymous line, let's see how his Target collection sells and whether he can turnaround a messy GAP situation.

With the GAP doing those CFDA designer collaborations with Rodarte, Thakoon and Doori, the relationship with Vogue (aka AW...aka "the Devil") seems to clearly send one message to other magazines. Why carry advertising for the GAP when you are just supporting Vogue's efforts of marketing and advertising? Can we count the number of ad pages the GAP bought at Vogue and Conde Nast in general compared to other publishing houses? Sounds like someone really is making a deal with the devil.

Bitten once, bitten twice

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...
Getting Bitten again by SJP the second time around isn't as fun. This time the whole world was invited, unlike the very exclusive luncheon held back in March. SJP's hair was in such a tight bun it seemed a tad much with her gargantuan necklace and Steve and Barry's cropped blazer and cropped jeans. And did I miss the goodie bag? Shame on me...

"If I could, I'd take my blackberry into the shower"

Spoken like a true fashion addict. Or is it loser? Or is it someone completely with no life except their sad, sad, fashionista life?

But I forgot! It's actually from a true life editrix. Can we play guess who?

Marrakesh Express

When Crosby Stills and Nash's song "Marrakesh Express" came on, it was clearly a literal foreshadowing of what was to come from John Galliano's resort/cruise collection for Dior. And from the time the show began not so promptly at 7:30pm (the invitation time)...it was closer to 8:30pm, it was classic JG for Dior. From the Palm Bitch attire both on and off the runway (front row attendance from good ol' Tinsley and HORROR! second row seating for Lauren "I'm not a coke whore" Davis) we were treated to a true show both on the curving runway and in the audience.

Can I please make one last attempt to have all public relations offices of major fashion houses NOT INVITE SOCIALITES? C'mon, like, WHO THE FUCK IS GENEVIEVE JONES and WHY DO WE CARE WHAT SHE DOES? And if I see Lisa Airan at another runway show I swear I'm going to call the American Medical Association to have her license revoked. The obsession with "New York society" has become so overwhelmingly pathetic it makes one feel somewhat embarrassed to be living here. Do I see a show of hands?

But going back to Galliano's collection...well. it wasn't hard to miss that the shoes were a complete disaster! Poor models twisting their ankles and wobbling with so much difficulty that it took Hal Rubenstein and other male front row attendees to help the girls down the runway. A bit misogynistic?

The clothes, of course, were fantasy land Moroccan caftans and gowns. The hair was Sixties beehive. The jewelry dripped in over-the-top vintage regalia. The verdict? It's so hard to judge resort collections especially when it's so gorgeous outside and you're stuck 50 stories in the sky at 7 World Trade Center at 8:30pm on a Monday night.

It's Resort Fortnight...ok, more like Month

Just as we're in the deep trenches of cashmere coats and tweed trousers of fall 2007, it's time for the designers to throw resort collections at us. But I've barely even finished shooting September!

On the docket: Dior's most probable fantabulous, fantasgormic show at 7 World Trade Center on Monday. If John's fall 2007 was any indication of what's to come, then his ten-year anniversary resort/cruise collection should be a stand-out. I can't wait. I just wish it wasn't at 7:30pm. Maybe I should go home and do a dress change (a la the Vogue-ettes) before the show. But then again, I'm in the second row, so really who cares what the hell I'm wearing, right?

Stalkerazzi in SoHo

With the Met's big fashion gala this past Monday night, the quotient on celebrity photo-stalkers trumped even the recent Tribeca Film Festival. Various paparazzi camped outside both the Mercer Hotel (Karl Lagerfeld's hotel choice) and 60 Thompson (La Lohan's crib while she's in town -- no Long Island for her with teenage-acting mother Dina) watching every move of celebrities both famous and infamous.

Of course it's irrelevant now that socialites are the new celebrities and editors are the new socialites. It leaves us to try and figure out what to do with actual celebrities? Now that New York has so clearly indicated this phenomenon, we're left to wonder who will actually care which Hollywood actresses make it out for the CFDA Awards in June.